as i'll say when i send it, you can block me on instagram now before reading this + i'll take this page down in a few days. no hard feelings
i know you could not care less about what i have to say. but i reckon it's fair that i get some final words out to you before not talking to you again in this lifetime, which at this point i am finally okay with. your message was as clear as day, and very cold of you, but not at all out of character. at least you were honest for once. i'll give you that one, austin
it's important to me that i end our interactions on a good note, not only because i care about it personally, but also because we share friends. i understand they are your friends first + foremost, which i uphold respect for + gladly take second place
but i am hoping you can understand that they are important to me too + i hold a great amount of love for them. i missed them. they are some of the only people i can be my complete true racist retarded uncensored self around, which i need as i am admittedly quite isolated + lonely
rest assured, i will not be giving you or them any trouble or drama about this, i have my own server to keep myself separate from you. i hope you will be fair + allow me to remain their friend away from you. you won't be (and are hardly ever) brought up
⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂
a thing i should tell you is awhile back, i was approached by a person + told things about you that i didn't want to believe and even questioned if it were true. but i knew in my heart it had to be true. i'm not sure why, but i have always been prone to defending you even if you are in the wrong, which i did then + have now come to worry if i was wrong to do so. may God forgive me for it if i was wrong
i'm not sure where it comes from, and have tried hard to figure it out, but i've always had a great amount of sympathy for you. i fear something has happened to you that makes you act in these bad ways, so it's been hard for me to blame you/hold anger towards you despite you being very retarded + bad-natured
unfortunately, i got a short glimpse into your soft side which humanized you too much to be able to hate. i'm not trying to embarrass you but it's also hard to stay mad at a guy that had to poop in a bag once. as stupid as it sounds, and i wish i was joking, that genuinely plays a factor in being unable to hate you. you're just too real ...
maybe i am naive, but i won't be made to think that you are evil. it doesn't make sense why i feel this way. if anything, it would make sense to think that you are evil + hate you. you haven't done anything to deserve immunity so i don't know why you are the only person i've encountered that i can't bring myself to think ill of.
all of this would be a lot easier if you weren't so easy to forgive
unwillingly, you felt familiar to me from the beginning which is why throughout the years i've tried to earn your acceptance. i understand now it only ever came off as desperate or cringe, but i hope now at the end you can understand it was only out of curiosity. like you were a book of stories i wanted to hear or something. it was very fun to me like a game, even + especially when we hated each other. i really liked the horseplay
you already think i'm crazy by disposition of being a woman so whatever, but the only thing i've come up with is that many-worlds interpretation is real + we somehow knew each other in another timeline. i think maybe we were friends there. so it's okay that we aren't going to be in this life
⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂
i can assure you that the curiosity has now begun to leave me though. i have to say i am very disappointed in you. i'm not your on-demand online prostitute, austin. that's what OnlyFans is for + i'm sure you can afford it. maybe i'm delusional (i am) but i have always believed you to have more depth than that + to be smarter than to let lust control you to this extent. you ARE smarter than that. i hope that someday soon, you will come to see women as more than bugs or bodies
women of good hearts (though they are unfortunately few + far inbetween) can be quite helpful, if not essential, to men as just friends and confidants. women must exist alongside men, and men alongside women. we cannot exist without one another by rule of nature. so, although i failed to convince you of it myself, i am hopeful that a girl will come along to change your mind about it. you must be nice to her, austin
because that is what needs to happen lest you end up alone into old age, which the thought of that happening to you is incredibly depressing. even if you don't make it easy for yourself, and you aren't exactly a good person, and you've made me mad + left a lot of girls hurting, and you're just sort of an asshole, i still won't ever be made to think that you deserve to die alone
infact i believe that you + men like you deserve to find love because you are the ones who need it the most. i'm not sure there's any other way to be saved from a bitter, lonely end. but that can't happen until you change your dastardly, bastardly, whoreful ways
⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂
which brings me to the other thing i should tell you. i know you aren't esoteric at all so bear with me on this one because i seriously don't know either dude. and by no means am i manifesting this for you, as i just said i hope you do not succumb to a fate like this
but awhile back, i had only what i can call a vision of sorts. you hadn't been on my mind for awhile at this point which is why it struck me as so strange that it came out of nowhere. it was very vivid + played like a movie in my mind while it lasted which was very fast
it began as you being a very old man (actually old btw, not 30), alone in a small undecorated apartment. you weren't doing so good, it was hard for you to get around + take care of yourself alone in your old age which was hard to watch. the vision played in reverse, and it was revealed how you came to be living in those conditions. it branched off backwards into 2 timelines
one timeline was because you never softened up enough to meet a woman to marry + have a family with, so you were left alone at the end of life
the other timeline was you did meet a woman, got married + had children, but she ended up leaving you over irreconcilable differences as you didn't get along with each other and she took half of what you owned as well as the children, which left you estranged from them + the world as a whole
the whole thing left me feeling very extremely uncomfortable + disoriented as if i had seen something i was not supposed to. i wish i could forget what i saw because it was not my business. so, take it for what you will
the last big thing i will now tell you is something i decided i wouldn't ever talk about, especially to you. even now i feel like i shouldn't. but it's the end now, so i want to finally clarify why i began to act so unhinged + weird after my sister died/you + i broke up
the way i acted still haunts me quite a lot. it may have seemed like i became obsessive over you as a person, but that wasn't the case. in the weeks leading up to sydney's suicide, she had been asking me to call her, but i was too busy talking to you all day, which i can't say i exactly regret as from what i remember since it's become blurry, it was a very fun time while it lasted. i remember it felt like high school but better
the last conversation we had was me telling her i was dating a white boy, and how excited i was to see scotland, and that i would call her later. i never ended up calling, and the night she did it was the night i rejoined fortday. she did it while we were playing fortnite that night
that being said, let it be known that i do not blame you or anyone for any of it. infact what made me go so crazy afterwards was the utterly overwhelming self-guilt + confusion that quickly consumed me
though i broke up with you, i became extremely desperate soon after. not desperate to keep you as my boyfriend, but desperate to just not let it all end up being for nothing. it wasn't about you, it was about the principle. but now that it has been a year + a half since then, i have come to terms that it was all for nothing
i lost my sister, boyfriend, friend group and job all at once, for nothing. but life goes on, as it now has, and losing everything so brutally forced me to grow up + become a lot more laid back than what i used to be. i've come to appreciate life more than i ever previously had
Sisphyus must learn to love the boulder
⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂
so that's why i went weird on you, and freakishly kept trying to be your friend. but the reason now that i've kept trying to be your friend is simply because i miss the old jungle days, and i've since gained back most of the guys as friends again which has been very fun
i suppose it just feels incomplete without you + soz + john being apart of it. but i'm okay with it now, and morosely accept those days are over + that i will never get to be a full part of it again. maybe it is pathetic that i am immersed in discord to such a high degree, but you guys aren't just screens on names. you are very real to me, and my favourite people despite it all
i hope you guys can at least someday remember me as a good part in the lore, though the person you knew me as back then wasn't a true version of my self at all which i carry a lot of awful shame for. i will never be able to fully redeem myself from that
regarding you, it's probably for the best being as i do not see you as anything more than a friend, nor will i ever again. you've taught me that lesson too many times, in too hard of ways. and after this i no longer see you as even a friend now. i'm not your bro, i don't wanna be your bro, because you are a bitch + the whitest nigger i have ever met
i think you are retarded + weird for not being able to see me as a friend, but i can also respect that you don't. at the end of the day you are your own person. it is your life, your choices. i may not understand why, apart from you just not liking women outside of lust, but it isn't my business anymore. i trust that God will guide you
i finally lay down this sword. and though our long battle is lost, i am still honoured to have fought in it. i will remember some things about you very fondly despite what an asshole you are. even some of your worst parts will be remembered the most fondly. you were a worthy opponent, one of the greatest
⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂
the very last thing i'll say is, and you'll really think i'm crazy with this one, is you should seriously consider becoming curious about God, austin. not the evangelical kind most people believe in and use to cope with, but a God that is unknowable + exists above all else. God is a feeling, not a thing. once you see it, it cannot be unseen
i have dove deeply into Gnosticism, which gave an explanation to what i always struggled to articulate God as. look into the Demiurge (evil God/the material world) + the Monad (real God/the spirit). i hope you are able to connect to a higher power + that it melts away some of the ice on your heart
but even if you never do find God, and despite all of the Hell you've stirred, i will secretly vouch for you at the gates of Heaven on the other side of Eternity. and i still send you an Angel, so that nothing may harm you
⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂
well, i've said everything i can think of
thanks for giving me good music over the years. i'll admit now, apart from just wanting to reconnect the friend group, that's what i wanted the most out of you + it's why i kept prying for it. i really wanted you to listen to the music i've found too. you've given me some really good stuff + you were one of the only people i knew of that was actually emo. but some of it sounded like shit straight from an ass though, i can't lie
so, here's the last you'll get from me. these ones are for you
to a friend by alexisonfire
jesus christ by brand new
you will be held accountable for your actions by shin guard
take it easy from here on out, austin
be safe, be better
peace will be restored
+
you will be saved
... so long, xefyer!
Godspeed,
alice